Poking Fun at the Twilight Saga
by Half crazed dancer
Summary: Ever wonder how many times Edward is described? Want to know a list of "That's what she said"? Bored, lifeless, or just want to laugh about all things Twilight? Written out of LOVE.
1. Edward's beauty broken down

**Don't worry! I still love Twilight. I am just picking fun at it IN LOVE. I actually think it is funny to make fun of things I like.**

Number of Pages in the Book: 498  
The First Hint of a Plot that Is Not Bella and Edward's Romance: page 328  
When the Plot Actually Arrives: page 372

Boys that Totally Love Bella (Including Edward Cullen): 5

Approximate Amount of Time Bella and Edward are Romantically Involved Before Bella Is Begging Edward to Turn Her into a Vampire so They Can Be Together Forever: Like, two weeks. Maybe three. The timeline's a bit fuzzy.

References to Edward's Beauty: 165

**Broken Down into the following categories -**

Face: 24 (Favorite adjectives: glorious, heavenly, seraphic)

Voice: 20 (The voice of an archangel, donchaknow.)

Eyes: 17

Movement: 11

Smile: 10

Teeth: 8

Muscles: 7

Skin: 7 (Note: This only contains accounts of Edward's skin being beautiful. I didn't count references to it as "pale," "cold," or "white." If I had, this number would be about ten times larger.)

Iron Strength or Limbs: 5

Breath: 4 (EVEN HIS BREATH IS AMAZING.)

Scent: 4

Laughter: 3

Handwriting: 2

Chest: 2

Driving Skills: 1

**The Number of Times...**

Bella Is Clumsy or Makes a Reference to Her Clumsiness: 26

Bella Sneers at Forks or Its Inhabitants: 22

Bella is "Dazzled" or Rendered Speechless by Edward's Beauty or Touch: 17

Edward Tells Bella to Stay Away from Him While Completely Contradicting Himself with His Behavior: 16

Bella is Utterly Desolate at Edward's Absence: 12

Edward and Bella Kiss: 8

Bella's Hormones Get the Better of Her and She Attacks Edward, Almost Causing Him to Eat Her: 2 (She's not even allowed to kiss him back! Where's the fun in that?)

Edward's Kiss Makes Bella Faint: 1

Edward's Kiss Makes Bella's Heart _Literally Stop_: 1

Bella Thinks She Isn't Good Enough for Edward: 6

Edward Is Referred to As Godlike: 5 (Note: This number might be off, as I didn't start counting until three or four mentions in.)

Edward Tells Bella She's Unnatural: 5

Edward Sparkles: 3

Bella is in Mortal Danger: 3

Edward Saves Bella from Mortal Danger: 3

Edward Stalks Bella, For Real: 2 (Note: One of these instances involves watching her sleep every night for, like, months.)

Bella says "Holy Crow!": 2

Bella and Edward Argue About Who Loves the Other Most: 1

Edward's Inability to Read Bella's Mind is Explained: 0

I would have kept track of how many times Edward's mood shifts unexpectedly and for no reason, but I didn't have that much paper. I am sad, though, that I didn't keep track of how many times words like "granite," "stone," and "marble" are used in reference to Edward. His arms, his _lips_. Explain to me how kissing cold, marble lips is at _all_ appealing. And yet it makes Bella faint. I give up.


	2. The Epic list of That's what she said

And now, from the mormon herself, a list of That's What She Said, taken directly out of S. Meyer's manuscript:

Bella: I don't like the cold, or the wet.

Edward: You're not going to let it go, are you?

Edward: I'll come for you soon.

Bella's inner monologue: Had Emmett always been so… big?

Bella: Dad, I'm all wet.

Jacob: Come inside! You're making me wet.

Bella: Jacob, it won't stay up., Jacob: It will when you're moving.

Bella: He (Jacob) looked huge.

Bella: What's the hardest part?

Bella: Is it hard?

Bella: Whatever you're thinking, Alice, I doubt I'm that free.

Edward: I could take a look, if you like.

Mike: Did you see the size of that Jacob kid?

Jacob: Come again?

Jacob: I think I can force it down. I won't enjoy it at all though.

Edward: Let's get you home and in bed.

Bella: Jacob was heavy. And hot.

Charlie: You coming, too, Edward?

Bella: Jacob's head is really hard.

Edward: It's hard and cold.

Bella: I was sweating, as Jacob had predicted.

Bella: Jacob's more cunning-

Bella: Seth was… faking?

Bella: I had to talk to Jacob about some things… that were hard.

Alice: Go play with Edward.

Charlie: Ouch, you got me, Alice. I'm bleeding on it.

In SM&UoS (at the wedding) Bella (to Jacob): I'm just so happy you came. It makes me very happy that you came. When did you decide to come?

Alice: Come with me, Bella.

Edward: The Volturi are coming.

Vladimir: And hope we get lucky.

Edward: I have something more to offer.


	3. Lame joke attempts

Oh, the cringe-worthy, trying feebly to be funny, times. Here are some of Stephenie's lame jokes *takes a shot*:

Edward: No blood, no foul.

Edward: So you faint at the sight of blood? *chuckles*

Bella: Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear.

Bella: Will you turn into a bat?

Bella: Well, it's no irritable grizzly bear.

In SM&TRC: Bella: Vampires like baseball?, Edward: It's the American pastime.

Bella: Don't I taste as good as I smell?

Bella: This looks like a horror movie waiting to happen.

Bella: So where to, Mr. Goodwrench?

Bella: Do you think there's some mutated grizzly out there?

Alice: Well, that's ironic. It's St. Marcus' Day.

Bella: Angry grizzly bears are going to look tame next to what is waiting for you at home.

Bella: We're a bit sensitive to blood around here.

Embry: Hey, vampire girl!

Edward: Technically, I can't ever sleep with you.

Edward: Your little stunt with the rock nearly gave me a heart attack, and that's not the easiest thing to do.

Alice: Didn't break the skin. Trust me.

Bella: I'll be the one in white.

Jasper: Just a few mountain lions. A couple grizzly bears.


	4. Kryptonite,volvos and pencil stabbing

**Edward's Best Lines **

You've got a bit of a temper, don't you?

Kryptonite doesn't bother me, either.

What if I'm not a superhero? What if I'm the bad guy?

_Bella__: You were right._  
Edward: I usually am, but about what in particular this time?

I'll just drag you back.

Try not to fall in the ocean or get run over or anything, all right?

Perhaps something more private?

Do I dazzle _you_?

_**Bella**__**: We were speaking of a hypothetical case.**_**  
****Edward****: Yes, we were. Shall we call you 'Jane'?**

Your number was up the first time I met you.

I hear voices in my mind and you're worried that _you're_ the freak.

I don't want to hear that you feel that way. It's wrong. It's not safe. I'm dangerous, Bella - please, grasp that.

You were right - I'm definitely fighting fate trying to keep you alive.

Do you really believe that you care more for me than I do for you?

Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving.

Edward: You should tell Charlie, though.  
_Bella__: Why in the world would I do that?_  
Edward: To give me some small incentive to bring you back.

Well that was interesting.

Newton's getting on my nerves.

Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?

Be safe.

Put your seatbelt on - I'm nervous already.

Were you planning to make it out of Forks before nightfall?

So you're worried about the trouble it might cause _me_ - if _you_ don't come _home?_

I can be patient - if I make a great effort.

I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in - my voice, my face, even my _smell_. As if I need any of that! As if you could outrun me. As if you could fight me off.

Don't be afraid. I promise ... I _swear_ not to hurt you.

Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?

So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?

You are _exactly_ my brand of heroin.

At the time, all I could think was, 'Not her'.

As if I needed another motive to kill you.

You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever.

**Edward****: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb ...  
**_**Bella**__**: Stupid lamb.**_**  
****Edward****: Sick, masochistic lion.**

As you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can't empathize completely.

**Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?**

Edward: Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't even walk straight. Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk.  
_Bella__: Drunk?_  
Edward: You're intoxicated by my very presence.

If I could dream at all, it would be about you.

I should make this harder for you, definitely. You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me, that's surely not much. You only have to turn your back on nature, on humanity ... what's that worth?

Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet.

**I may not be a human, but I am a man.**

Your hair looks like a haystack ... but I like it.

I could hardly leave in the clothes I came in - what would the neighbors think?

_Bella__: I love you._  
Edward: You are my life now.

_What am I going to do with you?_ Yesterday I kiss you, and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!

You're worried, not because you're headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won't approve of you, correct?

_Bella__: Emmett?_  
Edward: Well, he thinks _I'm_ a lunatic, it's true, but he doesn't have a problem with you.

Actually, Esme wouldn't care if you had a third eye and webbed feet.

I could _walk_ home faster than this truck moves.

You smell so good in the rain.

**It seems I'm going to have to tamper with your memory.**

If you let anything happen to yourself - anything at all - I'm holding you personally responsible.

You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window.... You have to admit, it could happen.

They gave you a few transfusions. I didn't like it - it made you smell all wrong for a while.

A sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An IV, on the other hand ...

_Bella__: You stole a car?_  
Edward: It was a good car, very fast.

I don't seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose that you'll get your way ... whether it kills you or not.

**I'm sorry if there has been some kind of miscommunication, but Bella is unavailable tonight. To be perfectly honest, she'll be unavailable every night, as far as anyone besides myself is concerned. No offense.**

_Bella__: Look at this shoe! It's a death trap!_  
Edward: Hmmm. Remind me to thank Alice for that tonight.

_Bella__: Edward I _honestly_ can't dance!_  
Edward: Don't worry silly. I _can_.

**Bella's Best Lines **

Do you have a multiple personality disorder?

Stupid, shiny Volvo owner.

I thought you were supposed to be pretending I don't exist, not irritating me to death.

Ditching _is_ healthy.

If you ever repeat what I'm saying right now I will cheerfully beat you to death.

Um, I'm going to run over Tyler Crowley tomorrow before school?

You really shouldn't do that to people ... dazzle them like that - she's probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now.

You're always crabbier when your eyes are black.

And how long have you been seventeen?

I fall down a lot when I run.

I do have some trouble with incoherency when I'm around him.

Sometimes it seems like you're trying to say goodbye when you're saying something else.

I'm absolutely ordinary - well, except for bad things like near-death experiences and being so clumsy that I'm almost disabled.

No one has tried to do away with me today.

His eyes did that unfair smoldering thing again.

Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear.

Did they know that I knew? Was I supposed to know that they knew that I knew, or not?

I'll do the laundry tonight - that ought to be fraught with peril.

My decision was made, made before I'd ever consciously chosen, and I was committed to seeing it through. Because there was nothing more terrifying to me, more excruciating, than the thought of turning away from him.

The freezer is getting dangerously low on fish - we're down to a two, maybe three years' supply.

I'm here ... which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you.

Will you turn into a bat?

_Edward__: I was thinking, while I was running ..._  
Bella: About not hitting trees, I hope.

It's an off day when I don't get _somebody_ telling me how edible I smell.

Let me get this straight - I'm the baby seal, right?

It was very funny, and you know it.

I need another human minute.

_Edward__: Is that any good? Honestly, it doesn't look very appetizing._  
Bella: Well, it's no irritable grizzly ...

I suppressed my internal cringing at the thought of Edward and Charlie and the word _boyfriend_ all in the same room at the same time.

I think I forgot to breathe.

You're still waiting for the running and the screaming, aren't you?

_Edward__: You were saying?_  
Bella: That you are a very, very terrifying monster.  
_Edward__: Much better._

Vampires like baseball?

It appeared that Charlie was having an aneurysm.

_Edward__: Now, what exactly are you worrying about?_  
Bella: Well, um, hitting a tree - and dying. And then getting sick.

It would be nice if I could find just one thing you didn't do better than everyone else on the planet.

Don't I taste as good as I smell?

I was not finished kissing you. Don't make me come over there.

Don't worry about it. It's just a crush.

Are you tired of having to save me all the time?

A man and woman have to be somewhat equal ... as in, one of them can't always be swooping in and saving the other one. They have to save each other _equally._

You _are_ my life. You're the only thing it would hurt me to lose.

_Edward__: As long as it makes you happy, I'll be here._  
Bella: You're talking about forever, you know.

You'll never catch _me_ betting against Alice.

I'm not coming over anymore if Alice is going to treat me like Guinea Pig Barbie when I do.

Bella: This looks like a horror movie waiting to happen.  
_Edward__: Well, there are _more_ than enough vampires present._  
Bella: Do you want me to bolt the doors so you can massacre the unsuspecting townsfolk?  
_Edward__: And where do you fit into that scheme?_  
Bella: Oh, I'm with the vampires, of course.

In what strange parallel dimension would I _ever_ have gone to prom of my own free will?

**Other Best Lines **

Charlie: Well, now.

Mike: So did you stab Edward Cullen with a pencil, or what?

Jake: You wouldn't happen to know where I could get my hands on a master cylinder for a 1986 Volkswagen Rabbit?

Jake: Do you like scary stories?

Bella: Werewolves have enemies?  
Jake: Only one.

Mike: He looks at you like ... like you're something to eat.

Alice: You do smell nice, I never noticed before.

Alice: It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share.

Charlie: Is this Edwin your boyfriend?

Esme: Was that you we heard, Edward?  
Emmett: It sounded like a bear choking.

Emmett: Until we know how far this is going to go, I'm with you.

Rosalie: What is she to me? Except a menace - a danger you've chosen to inflict on all of us.

Jasper: You're wrong you know.... I can feel what you're feeling now - and you _are_ worth it.

James: You're simply a human, who unfortunately was in the wrong place, at the wrong time, and indisputably running with the wrong crowd, I might add.

James: I _never_ will understand the obsession some vampires seem to form with you humans.

Renee: I think that boy is in love with you.

Renee: Try to be more careful when you walk, honey, I don't want to lose you.


	5. What's wrong with BD

Issues with Breaking Dawn

Isle Esme **(What's next? An Isle Britney?)**

Sex **(Epic blackout…and then Bella gets bruises which she doesn't care about. No, she would rather freak out about the feathers in her hair.)**

getting pregnant **(Edward is dead. He has been dead for 100 years. How…could he have ALIVE SPERM?)**

The birthing scene **(Extremely odd. Not awkward, just weird. Edward tore open Bella's stomach and the baby came out……it sounded like something out of Alien. They name the girl Renesme and whisk her away from Bella. Oh! And another surprise! (This book's full of them) Jacob imprints on Renesme.)**

Bella becoming Vamp!Bella **(When Bella wakes up and tests out her new abilities, my Mary-Sue detector goes up. Way up. Where is the insanity that newborns have? It is nearly non existent in Bella. And her abilities? Stronger the Emmett, a shield to block ALL mental attacks and is incredibly very graceful (even for vampire!). At first, I thought that Bella was a Borderline Sue, but after this……it puts all Mary Sues to shame.)**

Renesmee **(Yes, that's right. Baby-Sues. Babies or young children who are incredibly Sue like. Proofs that she's a Baby Sue? Half human and half vampire. So far, no drawbacks of any race. She is described as being very cute and is incredibly smart. Plus, she has an ability (!) to send emotions through touch. But what gives away her Sueness is that everyone who touches her loves her. Most go the extent to even die for her! The only "people" who dislike her are the Volturi.)**

Volturi **(Ah, the Volturi. This light in the shining darkness. I guess their group ends up with at least 50 or more. With a gut instinct, I could tell that this was going to be a good battle. But guess what! All the "battle" is is more talk and that fantastic shield Bella has! Who cares that Jane and Alec who have ****CENTURIES**** of experience. All Bella has to do (with her few months) is put up a shield and everything is wonderful!!!!!!!!!!)  
**

End **(Happily ever after….WTH?)**

**And I didn't get to the specifics…..**


	6. You know you're obsessed when

**(This is a compiled list from some of my friends)**

You make your boyfriend wear that sparkly crap from Hot Topic.  
You compare all the men in your life to Edward Cullen.  
You have or want a life size cutout of Edward Cullen.  
You refer to the books as the bible  
You refer to Stephanie Meyer as Queen Stephanie Meyer  
You make fansites for Twilight.  
You have seen Twilight at least twice.  
You have all the books and read and reread them over and over again.  
You ask questions here about how to make yourself look like Edward or Bella or Alice or whoever.  
You hate Harry Potter.  
You own the Twilight sparkles from Hot Topic.  
The term "Prince charming" is replaced with Edward Cullen.  
You carry around an Edward Cullen key chain.  
You hate Rob Pattinson's new haircut.  
You get defensive when someone says Edward is creepy and a stalker  
You like boys who like Twilight.  
You want a volvo.  
You want some of the jewelry seen in the movie.  
You've taken an interest in Meyer's religion.  
You want to name your kids Edward or another name from the series.  
When someone asks for a good romance book, you automatically recommend Twilight.  
You went or wanted to go to the midnight viewing of Twilight when it first came out.  
Your name on Y!A is (your first name) Cullen, or has the word Twilight in it.  
You want to change your last name to Cullen.  
You write Twilight fanfiction.  
You roleplay Twilight characters.  
You call yourself a Twihard.  
You waited in a long line late at night to get the newly released Twilight book.  
You have Twilight (Edward Cullen) bed sheets.  
You have Twilight (Edward Cullen) underwear (ugh... It's so creepy and disturbing).  
Your heart skips a beat when you hear Edward Cullen's name.  
You say, "Oh my Edward!'

You say, "Holy crow!"  
You're constantly comparing Jacob and Edward.  
You don't find it creepy at all that Jacob imprints on a newborn.  
You become depressed when you've finished Breaking Dawn.  
You constantly ask when Midnight Sun is coming out.  
You want Stephanie Meyer's email address.  
Your myspace layout is Twilight related.  
You've quoted Twilight, especially the lion and the lamb line.  
You've suddenly taken an interest in Seattle and Forks.  
You didn't like New Moon as much because Edward wasn't there.  
You have a Twilight themed birthday party.  
You want the Twilight engagement ring.  
You...fantasize...about Edward Cullen which may or may not be appropriate.

When you cry that the fourth book says 'the end'.

When you go to hunt down whoever posted most of Midnight Sun on the internet because now it won't be published.

When you've seen the movie 11 times and counting.

When your desktop, MSN icon, MSN name etc is revolved around twilight.

When you spent large amounts of money on all the twilight merchandise you can find.

When you see a Volvo, you scream but then smash it to bits when Edward's not in there.  
You start calling your boyfriend "Edward" by accident.  
You can't eat apples anymore b/c you think you're destroying Bella and Edward's love.

…you refuse to face the fact that Edward is fictional  
-...you no longer say "OMG", but "OME" - oh my edward.  
-…your standards for men were instantly raised because of Edward  
-...you have OCD (Obsessive Cullen Disorder)  
-…you secretly wish your boyfriend/girlfriend was a vampire  
-…you accidentally address your dad as his name, like Bella  
-…Volvo's are your new favourite car  
-but when they cut you off you mutter "stupid shiny volvo owner"  
-…you quote the books constantly  
-...you've started saying "Holy Crow!"  
-..."your blood smells good" is the best compliment anyone can give you  
-...you suspect good looking people of being vampires  
-...you find any guy that reads Twilight instantly attractive  
-...you pretend Edward is sleeping next to you at night  
-...you leave your window open for Edward before you go to sleep  
-...your friends got you into Twilight, and they now beg you to stop talking about it  
-…you can find relations to Twilight in every situation  
-...you compare every guy you meet to Edward Cullen  
-...you find Bella's clumsyness charming  
-...you excuse yourself for "a human moment" when you need to shower  
-…you have now started biting people.  
-or threatened to.  
-...you feel the need to say "breakfast time for the human" every morning  
-…if anyone so much as looks at your books the wrong way, you start screaming at them.  
-…if anyone hasn't read the books, you take it as a personal offence  
-…you've already planned you and Edward's wedding  
-and handed out the invitations  
-…you attempt not to sleep because, if Edward doesn't need sleep, neither do you.  
-...you looked up Vampires A-Z on the internet, and hyperventilated when you found the quotes from Twilight  
-…you dress up as a vampire by painting your face white, putting purple under your eyes, and go out in public.  
-…you suddenly find pale boys/girls really attractive  
-…all someone has to say to make you cry is "Edward's not real."  
-…you start thinking really embarrassing thoughts, but immediately stop, fearing that Edward heard you.  
-…you worry that someone will turn into a werewolf when they get angry  
-…when you fall or trip, you refer to it as a "Bella moment".  
-…gold is your new favourite colour, courtesy of Edward's eyes.  
-…you welcome rain so that your home can be more like Forks.  
-…human baseball seems more boring than usual.  
-…you carry a Twilight book with you at all times.  
-…you will spend hours in front of the computer in Twilight fan groups, or searching for new Twilight information.  
-…your sleep schedule is completely reversed due to the all-nighters you pulled to read the books.  
-…you try to see what character your family or friends resemble.  
-…your lifelong goal is to become a vampire and live with the Cullen's.  
-and you actually believe you will  
-…you bawled when Edward left.  
-and when Edward came back  
-…you now never want to tan, so you can look like a vampire.  
-…when you see someone with dark eyes and think, "they must be thirsty."  
-…you go back and forth from hating, to loving, to hating Jacob Black.  
-or curse Taylor Lautner for making Jacob bearable  
-…you constantly nag your friends to start reading Twilight, even though they don't need to, since you talk about it so much they know everything that happens.  
-…you have to remind yourself to breathe when you think of Edward Cullen  
…you would give anything to see Edward sparkle in the sun.  
-…you cried when Alice saw Edward planning to die.  
-…you wish you could blush like Bella.  
-...you constantly wonder whether your blood would be appealing to vampires.  
-and secretly hope it is.  
-…you're convinced you are the biggest fan  
-and will argue with anyone who begs to differ  
-…your mom no longer threatens to ground you – but to take away your books.  
-…in your mind, serial killers no longer exist. only newborn vampires do.  
-…your heart flutters anytime Edward talks.  
-...you burst into tears the moment Edward said "I do"  
-…you make people read the books, but secretly hope they wont, so the obsession will only be yours.  
-…you get very angry when someone says vampires sleep in coffins.  
-or only come out at night.  
-or won't show up in film.  
-…you shun anyone who tries to convince you vampires don't exist  
-…you get into fights with your Twilight obsessed fans over which one is going to marry Edward  
-…you throw birthday parties for the characters in the books  
-…you would gladly trade your life for Bella's, even if that means occasionally being attacked by vampires.  
-…when you're cold, you wish you had Jacob.  
-…the Twilight books are guarded with your life.  
-…you will follow a silver Volvo, convinced that Edward is in it.  
-and get very depressed when you realize he's not.  
-…you wish you owned Bella's truck.  
you attempt at being as graceful as Alice.  
-and fail.  
your future children's names are all names from the books.  
you've bought several copies of each book to give as future presents to yourself.  
you've made t-shirts that relate to Twilight.  
you screamed when Bella kissed Jacob.  
you find yourself subconsciously narrating your life.  
you started using strawberry shampoo  
you wish you had a Jacob and Edward to fight for you  
you read/write, look at/draw Twilight fan fiction/fan art  
you plan on moving to Forks someday.

you HAVE gone to Forks, and searched for the Cullen house  
and cried when you didn't find it  
Midnight Sun is like reading pure heaven

you are either thrilled that Robert Pattinson is playing Edward, or completely depressed.  
you're convinced vampires exist, and you're not ashamed of it  
you love when it is rainy, cloudy, or snowy out, and hate when it is sunny.  
you check the weather in Forks, when you live no where near it.  
you start screaming with random people who are also fans of twilight and become their best friend for 5 minutes while discussing favorite scenes.  
whenever you hear thunder, you smile and cheer on Edward's team  
-and wonder what fight Esme is breaking up when the thunder stops

you insist that your boyfriend suck on ice before kissing you, so his lips will be as cold as Edward's."save a volvo, ride a vampire" is your favourite motto  
you get through 3/4 of the book in one day, but stretch the rest of it to last a week, so you won't have to stop reading  
you organize all your Twilight Bumper Stickers into 'chronological' order based on the plot  
you plan on being (and were) first in line for the Twilight movie  
you moved to Forks, changed your name to Bella and acted like a danger magnet...and you are a guy.  
you plan on changing your wedding vows from "till death do us part" to "for as long as we both shall live"  
you are thrilled that it's now possible to have Edward's vampire babies  
you named your car Edward so you can ride him all day long.  
you will actually read everything on this list  
the twilight trailer teaser made your heart stop beating  
and made you scream  
you introduce yourself to people as Mrs. Cullen

Every time you see a silver Volvo you start to hyperventilate.  
You love when it rains.  
You check the weather in Forks when you don't live there.  
Your obsessed with any names in the books.  
Clair De Lune is your favorite song.  
You have birthday parties for the characters.  
You plan on naming your kids Edward and Bella.  
When someone asks you out, you say "sorry i'm already dating Edward Cullen."  
You've read the books so many times they're starting to fall apart.  
You attempt to not sleep because "if edward doesn'nt need to sleep you don't either.  
You try to control your thoughts because Edward might hear them.  
You suddenly find pale boys very attractive.


End file.
